


How Many Times?

by Aria_Lerendeair



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Shower Confessions, mentions of canon death, side sabriel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 05:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11799666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/pseuds/Aria_Lerendeair
Summary: After the latest hunt, where Castiel was gravely injured, Dean isn't able to face the angel.  Castiel goes looking for answers after a little push from Sam, and it results in feelings that Dean and Cas have been running from for years coming to the forefront.





	How Many Times?

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the following, truly INCREDIBLE gifset: http://josiedokeh.tumblr.com/post/19512722034

  
  
Dean slammed the door behind him, the loud sound echoing in the Bunker as he stomped down the stairs. He yanked his jacket off and threw it onto the table, halfway down the hallway by the time Sam opened the door. 

  
“ _Dean_!" 

  
Dean ignored Sam, walking faster. His heart was pounding and his head hurt. How was he ever supposed to…to… 

  
Sam watched Dean slam the door to his room shut and sighed. He looked back at Cas and shook his head. Watching Castiel’s shoulders slump and hang low only made him feel worse. "He’ll be all right, Cas." 

  
Castiel frowned and picked at a piece of his ripped and torn shirt. "He said-" 

  
"He was scared, Cas. He, we…” Sam trailed off. “If Gabriel hadn’t showed up when he did-" 

  
"Dean was right. I am a liability in your hunts. Especially these kinds,” Castiel said, tugging at the shreds of his shirt. 

  
"Werewolves get the drop on anyone, Cas. Not just you. He’s wrong.“ Castiel said nothing, only walked past him into the Bunker. 

  
Sam closed the door behind them and leaned back against it. Cas was staring at Dean’s jacket on the table, before pressing his fingers to it. 

  
"They’re all kinds of fucked up, aren’t they?" 

  
Sam glanced over to Gabriel briefly. "I’ll pay you your favor. Just not today.”

  
Gabriel hummed and nodded. “Not in the mood?" 

  
"After watching my best friend bleed out under my brother while he sobbed? No. Not in the mood,” Sam snapped. 

  
Gabriel watched as Castiel disappeared down a hallway. “ _Catalyst_." 

  
Sam scoffed and turned to Gabriel. "I’m sorry?" 

  
"They need a catalyst. You. Throw them together.” Gabriel waved. “Fix them and you can consider it a freebie." 

  
Sam’s look turned wary. "Why?" 

  
Gabriel raised his eyebrows and snapped himself away. 

  
Sam sighed and pushed his hair out of his face, remembering belatedly he still had dried blood on his hands. He scowled and walked down the stairs. Gabriel was right. Even if he didn’t want to admit it. 

  
 ~!~ 

  
Dean sank back against his door and clenched his eyes shut. His fingers were caked in dried blood from when he and Sam had tried to stop the bleeding. There’d been so much blood… 

  
A tear slipped down his cheek and he swiped impatiently at it. Fucking angels turned human. Nearly dying. Could have been fucking dead for good this time!

  
Dean stared down at his hands and his stomach clenched. He scratched at the dried blood and realized it was on his clothes too. He ripped the shirt off. He’d burn it. He kicked his shoes off and grabbed a towel. 

  
He wiped at his face again and yanked the door open, only to find himself face to face with Castiel. He scowled. "Get out of my way." 

  
"Dean,” Castiel started. “Please-" 

  
Dean shouldered past him and stalked towards the bathroom. He had to get away, had to get clean, had to get Cas’ blood off his hands. 

  
"Dean!” Castiel snapped, grabbing his arm. “Stop running away from me!”

  
Dean spun around and dislodged Castiel’s hand and abruptly found himself pinned to a wall in a movement that had been too fast to track. He glared. “Not fucking running!" 

  
Castiel’s eyes were too blue like this. It was better to not look. To avoid. To run. He couldn’t let Cas see, couldn’t let him know how scared he’d been, how  _afraid_ … 

  
Castiel’s hand tightened on him and Dean squirmed, meeting Cas’ eyes. "Fuck you, let me go!" 

  
"Stop running from me, Dean,” Castiel growled. “Stop this." 

  
Dean fought against the hand holding him tight against the wall for a few more seconds before he slumped. "Fuck you.” All the anger was fading now. He couldn’t keep Cas safe. Just like he couldn’t keep Sam safe. 

  
Castiel sighed. “Why are you angry?" 

  
"Why am I angry?” Dean snarled. “You nearly died! Or did Gabriel’s fucking patch job alter your memory too?" 

  
"But I didn’t,” Castiel said. “I didn’t die. I’m here. I’m safe. With you.  _Home_.”

  
Dean flinched and looked down the hallway. He saw Sam disappear into his room. 

  
" _Dean_.“ 

  
Dean glanced back at Cas. His face felt hot and his eyes watered again. He took a deep breath and ignored Cas, focusing on the table at the end of the hallway. 

  
Castiel slumped and dropped his hand from Dean’s shoulder.  Dean tensed, waiting to see if Cas would grab him again. When the angel didn’t move, he slid past him, stalking towards the bathroom again. 

  
"Afraid, Dean?" 

  
Dean froze and turned back to Cas. "What did you say to me?" 

  
Castiel’s eyes were blazing. "You heard me, Dean. Answer my question." 

  
"I’m not afraid of anything,” Dean growled, stalking back towards Cas. “Nothing!" 

  
"Then answer my question." 

  
Dean clenched his fists tight and glared at Cas. "No. Fuck you." 

  
Castiel reached out and shoved Dean, watching him stumble back a few steps in surprise. "What are you afraid of?" 

  
Dean stumbled back as Cas advanced on him, but got his feet under him and gave Cas a hard shove back. "Fuck off!" 

  
"Do you want me to go?” Castiel growled, glaring hard at Dean. 

  
Dean froze again and stared at Cas. “Wh-what?” His stomach turned, hard and violent, jumping into his throat. Cas leave? 

  
"Do you want me to leave?“ Castiel demanded. 

  
"No!” The word burst out of him, raw and desperate. _No. No. Don’t leave. Please don’t leave. Don’t go._  

  
Some of Castiel’s fury faded. Dean looked scared again. “Dean. What is wrong?" 

  
"Let me go, Cas,” Dean demanded, his voice low. “Just let me go." 

  
"Why?” Castiel said, his anger spiking again. “So you can drink yourself into a stupor and pretend no one cares for you?" 

  
"No!” Dean snarled. “You don’t get to be angry with me about this, I’m not the one who almost fucking died!" 

  
"I am alive!” Castiel said, raising his voice. 

  
"Barely! I had to watch you bleed out over my hands!“ Dean shouted, turning so he was toe to toe with Castiel. "I had to watch you die, knowing, fucking knowing there was no way to bring you back this time!” He shoved Castiel again. 

  
"How many times do I have to watch you die? How many times do I have to turn a corner and see you dead or dying, Cas!?“ Dean yelled, his voice cracking. "Do you know how many times I’ve watched you die!?" 

  
Castiel stared at Dean, at the tear slowly sliding down his cheek, his eyes wet and his cheeks red. ” _Dean_.“ 

  
"So don’t…” Dean swallowed hard and glared at the floor. He squared his shoulders. “I’m not…” he trailed off and shook his head. “Nevermind." 

  
Castiel watched as Dean stalked away from him. Into the shower. The sound of the water coming on had Sam peeking out of his room. 

  
"Cas?" 

  
Castiel blinked and turned to look at Sam. "I, yes?" 

  
Sam motioned towards the shower. "He needs to know you’re alive." 

  
Castiel frowned. "But I am." 

  
Sam huffed. "You need to touch him. He needs to touch you. He needs the physical confirmation that you are there. Alive." 

  
"I am not certain. That would cross a boundary of our current-" 

  
"Cas,” Sam interrupted. “Your hearts crossed that boundary a long time ago. Go." 

  
Castiel turned and nodded, shedding the trenchcoat. 

  
 ~!~

  
Dean stepped under the hot spray and closed his eyes. It was scalding and he could feel the blood dripping off his fingers. He exhaled hard and leaned forward against the tile. 

  
He kept his eyes clenched shut. If a few tears escaped, that was his own damn business. 

  
"Dean." 

  
Dean tensed, jerking upright. He snorted. Hide.  _Deflect_. "I know you know privacy better than that, now, Cas. No reason to come between a man and his hot shower." 

  
"This was,” Castiel said simply, reaching out to touch Dean on the shoulder, where his handprint had once been. Dean shivered under him. Castiel pressed his forehead to Dean’s back. 

  
"Death, your  _personal_  death is a foreign concept to most angels,“ Castiel began. "We are immortal, so never a reason to think on it. Including how others perceive death." 

  
Dean tried to breathe, but his heart was pounding and Cas was so close. "Cas-" 

  
"Shhhh,” Castiel ordered. He pressed in closer to Dean, taking his free hand, wrapping it in his. Dean shook, even as he lifted the hand to press against his own side, where some of the gashes had been. 

  
“I have never considered my own death impactful beyond giving the others the chance to live." 

  
Dean swallowed and clenched his eyes shut. He could see it. Cas walking into the Lake. Cas after the Leviathan. Cas after he’d been stabbed. Cas being exploded. Stabbed with the spear. Cas today, bleeding, his mouth and lips moving without words. An endless repetition of images. 

  
"I cannot promise you I will never die, Dean. I am a hunter, as are you, and this is dangerous work,” Cas whispered against Dean’s skin. 

  
“But I can promise that  _this_ , whatever we are in your eyes and your heart-” Castiel paused and slid his hand along the rest of Dean’s shoulder, away from the handprint, to his heart, feeling it pound against his palm. “-that you see and feel between us? That it is  _real_. And it is requited. You have me for as long as you wish to have me, Dean. In every thought, moment, and breath. I’m  _yours_." 

  
Dean was lightheaded, surrounded by Cas, one arm around his chest. Castiel’s face still pressed to his shoulder. "Cas, I’m not, I’m not good at this." 

  
Castiel huffed. "I believe both our respective track records leave something to be desired, Dean." 

  
He snorted and leaned back, just enough to feel Cas step in closer, his arm tightening. "But you’re sure. You want to-" 

  
” _Yes_.“ 

  
Dean closed his eyes and nodded. "Almost lost you.  _Again_.” His voice cracked and he paused, swallowing again. “Don’t know if I have it in me to be able to lose you again." 

  
Castiel shifted his hold, wrapping both of his arms around Dean’s waist, pressing in close. "I will endeavor to do everything in my power to make sure  you do not." 

  
Dean managed a laugh. "Good. Cause I kinda,” he paused and choked out a laugh. “Kinda want to see you get old, Cas. You’re going to be a grumpy shit." 

  
"One might argue I’m already an old, grumpy shit,” Castiel said, smiling against Dean’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and relaxed, breathing Dean in. "I would expect you to afford me the same courtesy.“ 

  
Dean swallowed hard and took a deep breath. He pulled away enough to be able to turn around. Cas’ eyes were there. Bright blue and magnetizing as they always were. He leaned in and pressed their foreheads together, sliding his hand up to press it against Cas’ heart, feeling it pound under the touch. 

  
"I can do that,” he whispered. “I can definitely do that." 

  
Castiel tightened his arms around Dean’s waist and gave a firm nod. 

  
” _Good_.“  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Criticisms welcome!
> 
> You can find me here: 
> 
> [Aria-Lerendeair ](http://aria-lerendeair.tumblr.com/)
> 
> You can also watch me write fics like this (and dozens of others) live! Follow me on Livestream for fics, shenanigans and a general all-around awesome time! [Find my livestream here!](http://new.livestream.com/accounts/7212317)


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